I didn’t expect to be writing about friendship drama in my late 20s.
Honestly, I thought I’d gotten past this stage of life.
Not because I thought friendships would always be easy, but because I assumed that by this point, we’d all be a little better at communicating, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and handling uncomfortable situations like adults.
Apparently, that was optimistic.
Recently, I found myself in a situation that left me feeling something I almost hate more than anger: confused.
And I’ve realized that confusion can be really hard to let go of.
When You Just Don’t Understand
The hardest part of this situation hasn’t necessarily been being angry or even hurt.
It’s that I genuinely don’t understand it.
I’ve replayed conversations. I’ve thought about what I could have done differently. I’ve tried looking at the situation from another perspective. I’ve wondered if there was something I missed or something I didn’t understand.
And every time I think I’ve gotten close to making sense of it, I end up back at the same place:
I just don’t understand.
For someone who tends to overthink everything, that’s an incredibly uncomfortable place to be.
I want things to make sense.
I want to understand why someone made the choices they did, especially when those choices affected me. I want to be able to look at a situation and think, Okay. I may not agree, but I understand where you’re coming from.
But what happens when you don’t?
What happens when you can look at something from every angle you can think of and still can’t understand why another person handled it the way they did?
I think that’s where I’m learning to let go.
You Can Be Disappointed Without Being Dramatic
One thing I’m learning is that being hurt by a situation doesn’t automatically mean you’re overreacting.
Sometimes something happens that you didn’t expect. Maybe it’s the way someone handles a situation, the lack of consideration you feel, or simply the realization that you and another person see things very differently.
And then comes the second-guessing.
Am I being too sensitive? Should I just let it go? Is this even worth being upset about?
I’ve realized that I can spend so much time trying to justify why something bothered me that I end up minimizing my own feelings in the process.
Not every disappointment needs to turn into a confrontation. Not every uncomfortable situation needs a lengthy conversation.
But that doesn’t mean I have to convince myself that I’m fine with something when I’m not.
I’m allowed to acknowledge that something hurt my feelings without turning it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.
Maybe I’ll Never Understand Her Side
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand where the other person is coming from.
And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Empathy is important. I don’t want to automatically assume that my perspective is the only valid one.
But I’ve also realized something that is really difficult for me to accept:
I may never understand her perspective.
Not because one of us is necessarily right and the other is wrong.
Not because I don’t care.
And not because I haven’t tried.
We simply experienced the situation differently.
There may be things she believes, feels, or interprets that I will never fully understand because I’m not her.
And as much as I would love to have one conversation where everything suddenly clicks into place, I can’t build my peace around the possibility of that happening.
I can’t keep waiting for an explanation that may never come.
Adult Drama Feels Different
There is something particularly exhausting about navigating drama as an adult.
When you’re younger, conflict can feel more straightforward. You have an argument, talk it out, maybe give each other the silent treatment for a few days, and eventually move on.
As an adult, things are more complicated.
There are mutual connections, different perspectives, busy schedules, personal responsibilities, and the reality that not every situation has a clear resolution.
Sometimes you don’t get the explanation you wanted.
Sometimes you don’t agree on what happened.
And sometimes you have to make peace with the fact that another person may never see the situation the way you do.
That last part is especially difficult for me.
I like understanding things. I like knowing where I stand with people. When something feels unresolved, my instinct is to replay it in my head, analyze every detail, and try to figure out what I could have done differently.
But not everything has an answer that will make me feel better.
Sometimes, the more energy I spend trying to understand someone else’s choices, the less energy I have left for myself.
And I’m trying to get better at recognizing when I’ve reached that point.
You Can’t Control How Other People Show Up
I think one of the hardest parts of any disappointing situation is accepting that you can’t control how someone else chooses to handle it.
You can communicate honestly.
You can make an effort.
You can try to be understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt.
But you cannot make someone approach a situation the way you would.
You cannot make someone understand your perspective, respond the way you hoped, or care about the same details that matter to you.
And as frustrating as that can be, I don’t want to spend my life trying to convince people to see things my way.
I want to be able to walk away from a situation knowing that I handled myself in a way I’m comfortable with, even if the outcome wasn’t what I wanted.
That doesn’t mean I always get it right. I’m human, and I’m sure there are times when I could have handled things differently.
But I can take responsibility for my own actions without taking responsibility for everyone else’s.
Those are two very different things.
The Problem With Needing Closure
I think we talk about closure like it’s something another person gives you.
They explain themselves.
You finally understand.
You both say what you needed to say.
And then you move on.
But real life doesn’t always work that way.
Sometimes people don’t explain themselves in a way that makes sense to you. Sometimes their explanation doesn’t change how you feel. Sometimes you don’t get a conversation at all.
And sometimes, even if you did, you still might not understand.
I don’t necessarily need someone to agree with me.
I don’t even need them to admit that I was right.
I just wanted to understand.
But I’m realizing that wanting to understand someone and needing to understand them in order to move forward are two very different things.
I can want the answers without waiting forever for them.
Protecting Your Peace Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care
I feel like the phrase protect your peace gets thrown around a lot these days.
Sometimes it sounds like we’re supposed to cut people off at the first sign of discomfort and pretend that
