I never really thought I would be writing this post.
When my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby, I don’t think either of us imagined that we would still be trying all this time later.
You don’t decide to have a baby expecting to experience infertility.
You expect to get pregnant.
You expect to take the pregnancy test, see those two lines, and start imagining what your life is going to look like with a baby.
You don’t expect months of negative tests, fertility treatments, tracking ovulation, wondering what is wrong, and constantly waiting for something that seems to come so easily to everyone else.
And I didn’t expect what that would do to me mentally.
I became really, really sad.
Not just “I’m having a bad day” sad. I mean the kind of sadness where it starts to take over everything. Where you’re going through your normal day, but underneath it all you’re just… hurting.
And eventually, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t doing okay.
I’ve Taken Antidepressants Before
This wasn’t a completely new decision for me.
I had been on antidepressants when I was younger, so I knew what it was like to take medication for my mental health.
At one point, marijuana and CBD became a regular part of my life, and for me, they helped me relax and quiet some of the anxiety in my head. I felt as though I didn’t need the antidepressants anymore.
But I quit marijuana about two years ago.
I don’t regret that decision at all. But looking back, I think I underestimated how much I had used it as a way to cope with things.
While I liked that it was a “natural” alternative to medicine, I felt I was noticing some of the long-term side effects that I was not a fan of.
Then TTC became harder and harder.
Without really realizing it, I had lost something that had helped me cope while also going through the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.
And eventually, it all just became too much.
TTC Took a Bigger Toll on Me Than I Expected
All I have ever wanted was to be a mom. That was my answer for what I wanted to do when I grew up, and that never changed.
So when we started trying, I thought it would be pretty simple. Of course, I knew pregnancy didn’t happen instantly for everyone, but I never imagined that we would be the couple still waiting.
Month after month, I became more consumed by it.
I’d track my cycle.
I’d watch for ovulation.
I’d analyze symptoms.
I’d hope.
I’d wait.
And then I’d get my period.
And suddenly, I was back at the beginning again.
It felt like my entire life was happening around this one thing I wanted so badly and couldn’t control.
Sad doesn’t describe the feeling.
I cried a lot. I felt like everyone around me was moving forward while I was stuck in the same place.
And the hardest part was that I couldn’t just turn it off.
I could have a great day with my husband and still have that sadness sitting in the back of my mind.
I could laugh with my friends and then come home and cry.
I could be excited about something completely unrelated to fertility and still have that little voice reminding me that I wasn’t pregnant.
It felt like TTC had taken up so much space in my brain that there wasn’t much room left for anything else.
I Kept Thinking I Should Be Able to Handle It
I was trying to take care of myself.
I was trying to eat well, exercise, take my supplements, learn everything I could about fertility, and do everything I could to help my chances of getting pregnant.
I felt like I was doing all of the things I was supposed to do.
So I kept thinking:
Why can’t I just handle this?
Why am I still this sad?
Why can’t I just accept that it takes time?
I was struggling.
And there was nothing wrong with admitting that.
The Decision to Start an Antidepressant
Even though I’d taken antidepressants before, I was still nervous about starting one again.
Especially while trying to conceive.
When you’re TTC, you start questioning everything.
Every supplement.
Every medication.
Every food.
Every decision.
You want to make sure you’re doing everything right because you desperately want this to work.
So adding an antidepressant into the mix felt like a really big decision.
I worried about whether it would affect my fertility. I worried about what would happen if I got pregnant while taking it. And, if I’m being completely honest, I also felt a little guilty that I needed it.
No one around me really understood why I was so sad. They were convinced that I would get pregnant eventually, and that it just takes more time for some people.
But I finally had to accept that my mental health matters, too.
After talking with my doctor, I decided to start an antidepressant again.
And I’m really glad I did.
I Realized I Had More Control Than I Thought
One thing that actually made me feel better about starting an antidepressant was realizing that I had a choice.
I didn’t have to commit to taking it forever.
I didn’t have to decide what I would do for the rest of my life.
I could try it, see how I felt, and if it wasn’t right for me, I could stop.
For some reason, knowing that gave me a sense of power back.
I think infertility can make you feel really powerless. Your body doesn’t do what you want it to do, you can’t control when you’ll get pregnant, and every month can feel like you’re waiting for something that is completely out of your hands.
Starting an antidepressant was one thing that was in my hands.
I got to make that decision for myself.
And I also learned that there are antidepressants that can be used while trying to conceive and during pregnancy. Obviously, that doesn’t mean every medication is right for everyone, and it’s something you should discuss with your doctor, but knowing that I had options made the decision feel a lot less scary.
I didn’t have to choose between my mental health and trying to have a baby.
I could talk to my doctor, find an option that made sense for me, and see how it went.
And that’s exactly what I decided to do.
I Feel Lighter
I don’t want to make it sound like taking an antidepressant magically fixed everything.
It didn’t.
I still want a baby desperately.
I still have hard days.
I still get sad when another month doesn’t work out.
I still think about becoming a mom constantly.
But something changed.
I feel lighter.
That’s honestly the best way I can describe it.
The thoughts that used to feel so loud don’t feel quite as loud anymore.
I’m not getting completely swallowed up by every negative thought.
I can feel sad without feeling like I’m drowning in depression.
I can have a difficult day without feeling like my entire life is falling apart.
And I feel more like myself again.
That has been such a relief.
What I Know Now
I don’t know what the next few months will look like. I don’t know when I’ll finally get to see those two lines I’ve been waiting for, and I don’t know how long I’ll need this medication.
But I do know that I feel better today than I did before I started.
I spent so much time worrying that taking an antidepressant would somehow mean I was failing or giving up on something. Instead, it ended up being one of the things that helped me feel like myself again.
I’m still trying to become a mom. I’m still hopeful. I’m still figuring all of this out.
But I’m also taking care of myself along the way.
And for the first time in a while, I feel like I can breathe a little easier.
